We are entering into the Holy season. A time where if you choose, you can put away everything that may have been distracting you from His presence. A time to discover truly how much man does not live by bread alone, but by every Word that comes from our Father (Matthew 4:3-5).
My story is one I think may resonate with others. I was born in Jesus, and by His Grace, cultivated a relationship with Him at a very young age. I decided I would dedicate my life to Him, and prayed that He would make me an example of purity lived out, the beauty of obedience, the breathless security of dwelling in Him. I would save myself for Marriage, and believe in His timing and power to make those secret dreams in my heart come true. But it's when you leave the bubble of your family or your church, and Jesus gets you alone, that's when He begins to open your eyes to what it truly means to walk in Him. In my early twenties, the Holy Spirit revealed just how deep my decision to save myself goes. The truth of it flooding my being all at once: I was never saving myself for a Husband, no, I was setting myself apart for my Bridegroom. It was always Jesus. I'll admit that as much as the notion of this blew my mind, ashamedly, it also disappointed me a little. It's almost as if it wiped the taste of Him right out of my mouth. It meant that the one dream that I had staked my entire faith on was just as uncertain as everyday. Admittedly, I began to pull away from Jesus, because in my heart I felt I'd done everything I could to earn this reward. It's hard to watch your heart dreams evanesce into a life you never planned. I never planned to watch as others move into their dreams. But, looking over my life, there's a part of me so grateful to God for not being a genie. For walking with me, and putting up with my bitterness, my selfishness, and doubt even though He keeps me breathing, keeps me hoping, keeps me.
Striving with God for so long results in an autopilot existence, where you keep adding adding adding, and nothing quite fills you up. I prayed to Jesus recently, asking that He would deliver me from my bitterness and doubt, and that He would send me a book or a testimony from someone who understands. He always sends me a book, one favorite being Beautiful Uncertainty by Mandy Hale, about stepping out on faith in all areas! The latest being I Don't Wait Anymore by Grace Thornton, which I discovered shortly after praying that prayer, on Instagram. I'm on chapter 6, and so far it's so blessed! I thank God for Grace Thornton's vulnerable account of her emptiness and doubt, and her courageous decision to seek true intimacy with God. I needed someone to be truthful about how heartbreaking unrequited dreams (for now) can be when you're believing God for it, and it doesn't happen. But deeper than this, dreams don't hold a candle to the adventure that Jesus has planned. The reality is, even if dreams come true, they will never be able to completely fill every hollow place Jesus wants to fill in you. I Don't Wait Anymore is a declaration against even Christian societies' mandate that if you're single after a while you must be doing something wrong. It is a reminder that Jesus pursues you everyday, that He has a life for you that does not look like other lives, an invitation to Walk with Him, an invitation to an unexplored adventure of miracles and new people, and freedom. Both Mindy and Grace write like dreamers, and each book comes from ladies with romantic, dreamy sensibilities. That's another reason I thank God for allowing me to discover their books. I want to walk into the Adventure that He has for me with an open heart.
And so this is my desire during this Holy Season:
- To truly meet God.
- To hear Him.
- To grasp His sacrifice.
- To live in gratitude.
- To have renewed faith to believe that in His good timing, He will bring that man into my life, but all the more, to have faith in the arms already holding me.